Grrrrrrreat Parenting--That Growls

Wow; that’s all I can say. I’m riddled with anger after reading “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” an excerpt from Amy Chua’s recently published book The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.  Chua argues that so called “Chinese” mothers are more effective parents because they understand that “nothing is fun until you’re good at it.” So, they drill their children hour after hour, without stopping, forcing their child to keep working until their performance is flawless. Chua forbid her children to “attend a sleepover, have a playdate, be in a school play,” and the list goes on. It’s “crucial to override [the child’s] preferences” because a child never wants to work at a task that’s difficult for them.

A “Western” mother won’t brow beat her child because she worries about the emotional sanctity of the child. Chua says, “They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital.” The constant encouragement in the face of a humdrum grade or a commonplace performance is driving children to expend less energy into any task; they don’t have the drive to do better because they’ll be praised whatever effort they give. Whereas, “Chinese” mothers “assume strength, not fragility,” so they treat their children differently, impose standards, demand the best, and get it. If by some mistake, a Chinese child received lower than an A, “the devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.” Consequently, a “Western” mother blames anyone available as a scapegoat. That Mrs. Hudson isn’t a good geometry teacher anyway! Valerie missed school for tennis—it’s not her fault she missed some of the instruction—she should be able to retake the test. Sports and extracurricular activities dominate the spectrum for “Western” mothers. It’s important for Suzie to be the head cheerleader and Bobby must be the quarter back or something is wrong.

But these Nazi-parents, the “Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them.” It’s not a matter of pushing their child too hard to be mean; it’s about encouraging their child to live up to their potential. Chua’s onto something with this, but should parents really completely disregard their child’s wants? She says later in the article that, “Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences.” Is that really fair? I understand the value in forcing your daughter to learn to play an instrument—piano or violin, sure—but never letting her pursue anything else? Never letting her try out for a school play? Never letting her take advantage of discovering what she likes best? It seems to me like there has to be a boundary.