Being Under the Influence

Scott Russell Sanders’ gripping essay, Under the Influence, is a testimony to the wrong kind of parenting, detached, disembodied, and disastrous. Sanders gives account of his father’s drinking, a medley of stashed bottles and cans, promises to quit for good, but a liver failure in the end.

Sanders doesn’t just recall the drinking but with it the feeling of embarrassment and betrayal by his father for never caring enough for him to stay sober. He also felt responsible, heavy with the burden of never being good enough that his father wanted to remember him. Later in the essay, Sanders admits the drinking wasn’t his fault. His father was unhappy with who he was so  he was driven to the drink, but the alcoholism still greatly affected their family, who hid their father like one might hide a failing report card.

At the end of the essay Sanders admits he never drinks but that he falls victim to a different sort of drug: work. He knows the depression he feels affects his family, and he strives to assure them that he is to blame—not them.